Posted by Maria Dimitrova

Read this if: You want to assert your interests successfully

Gain: Reconcile differences, manage conflict, resolve disputes and establish or adjust relationships

Cost: Only perseverance

When most people hear the word “negotiation” the first association which comes to mind is “business deals”. It’s a wide-spread notion that business people need to develop their negotiating skills whilst for the rest of society it’s enough to rely on trial and error when it comes to asserting their rights and interests.

Unfortunately a big percentage of people don’t learn their life lessons. As Herbert Cohen (an American personal manager, record company executive, music publisher and a widely acclaimed negotiation skills trainer) says: “Most of us go through life on “automatic pilot” responding to situations and events based upon habit”. While in some cases our habits may be sufficient,often they are ineffective. We might repeat the same mistake again and again and then wonder why we get the same discouraging results. The outcome of the lack of negotiation skills is that the majority of people experience a great deal of disappointment, frustration and regret due to unsuccessful social interactions and failed personal relationships.

Thus, negotiation skills are not just important, they are vital for reaching and maintaining success, self-esteem and happiness in life. Unfortunately, there isn’t such a subject taught at school and not many parents teach their children how to negotiate. So it’s our choice as adults whether we are going to improve these skills.

We often feel abused after a conflict if we haven’t managed to assert our interests. But even “winning the battle” may mean losing in the long term as you might have caused serious damage to a valuable professional or personal relationship by not following the basic rules and principles of negotiation.

The basic rules of negotiation

Some of these principles are universal and applicable in all kinds of situations whereas others are more relevant to professional and business relations.

1. Prepare thoroughly for the negotiation. Try to find the answer to these questions:

• Goals: what do you want? What do you think the other person wants?
• Trades: What do you and the other person have that you can trade? What do you each have that the other wants? What are you each comfortable giving away?
• Alternatives: if you don’t reach agreement with the other person, what alternatives do you have? Are these good or bad? How much does it matter if you do not reach agreement? Does failure to reach an agreement cut you out of future opportunities? And what alternatives might the other person have?
• Relationships: what is the history of the relationship? Will there be any hidden issues? How will you handle these?
• Expected outcomes: what outcome will people be expecting? What has the outcome been in the past, and what precedents have been set?
• The consequences: what are the consequences for you of winning or losing? What are the consequences for the other person?
• Power: who has what power in the relationship? Who controls resources? Who stands to lose the most if agreement isn’t reached? What power does the other person have to deliver what you hope for?
• Possible solutions: based on all of the considerations, what possible compromises might there be?

2. Adopt the right attitude -try to keep your composure and a detached view -  distancing yourself from your natural impulses and emotions. This relaxed attitude prevents the onset of stress producing emotions (self-doubt, anxiety and hostility). Herb Cohen’s says:”Your mantra should be “I CARE —, REALLY CARE, BUT NOT THAT MUCH” because when you’re over-invested emotionally in the negotiation, you lose perspective and your judgment is impaired.

3. Listen to the other person’s views and opinions without reacting until you’ve heard what they have to say. This may be difficult to accomplish unless you try to “put yourself in their shoes” and see the situation as the other side sees it. Ignore the possible attacks by thinking about the reason for them. Feeling intimidated triggers the self-defense system of a person and often they react aggressively.

Seek your opponent’s advice concerning how to resolve the issue. You probably will not like what you hear, but he or she will feel better about you because you inquired. This will take them out of the spiral of negative emotions and allow the beginning of a constructive dialogue. Standard techniques of good listening are to acknowledge what they are saying and demonstrate that you understand them.

4. Arguments and debate are ineffective in changing a person’s position. So don’t teach people anything, but only help them look at things from a different angle. Persuasion is achieved most often with creative and novel reformulations which alters a person’s viewpoint.

5. Strive to reach a win-win situation. This means that both sides should feel comfortable with the final solution. Only consider win-lose negotiation if you don’t need to have an ongoing relationship with the other party as, having lost, they are unlikely to want to work with you again.

6. Your first offer or proposal should be sufficiently reasonable to be viewed constructively by the other side and thus evoke a positive response. On the other hand, it should give you enough space to move deliberately to your expectation.

7. Plan to make concessions/compromises .Making concessions triggers the law of reciprocity. People need to feel that they have ‘earned’ concessions even when you are willing to give them away for free So if you want to receive a concession, you should be ready to make one, too.

8. Do not look for the ultimate truth or the right answer. Explore options. There are usually a number of workable solutions. Discover the one that best suits you and the other side.

9. Justification is critical. Giving a reason for every element of your proposal substantially increases its chances of success. Social studies indicate that if you ask someone for a favor, they will be more likely to do it when you give them a reason.

10. Keep both your goal and your bottom line in view at the same time without losing your goal focus.

11. Admit your mistakes if you have made any and apologize. An apology may be one of the most rewarding emotional investments you can make. In this way you can win the other person’s trust back which is of great importance for any long-term relationship.

You can find plenty of other useful tips on negotiating in books and the Internet. Start implementing the basic rules and you will derive huge benefits and satisfaction in your life. At first it might seem difficult to change your attitude and behaviour but keep trying. Learning new skills takes time but be sure that your perseverance will pay off.